After a very serious and real conversation with my supervisor two weeks ago, a week or two of sulking. dealing with uncertainty about my future in academia, wondering if I am doing the right thing, or in the right department or if I need to take some time out to think, I finally decided to go to campus and try out this PhD thing again. But like I said in my last blog post, life happens during the PhD journey.
So I got a call, a call to inform me that my brother passed away on Sunday. I had never really met this brother. I was planning to meet him soon and we had spoken about how much we are looking forward to meeting each other and just how life is full of surprises.
Life really is full of surprises and weird feelings. As I write this I am not sure if sad. I am not sure how to feel. I just know that I don’t feel great.
I am not sure how to mourn him, I am not sure if I should mourn him. I never met him, I don’t really know him, there are no memories made, nothing to miss about him but here I am on my desk where I am supposed to be revising my literature review, but instead I am writing a post about a brother I never even met.
Recently I also lost two beautiful nieces before I even met them. I haven’t been able to mourn them either. I’m not sure if they are mine to mourn. If I have the right to miss them or bring them up in discussions or even think of them.
This blog post has no answers or interesting things to share; it is just questions about mourning:
How do you mourn people you loved but never met?
How do you mourn people you were never meant to know they exist?
How do you mourn those who are not yours to mourn?
Life really is full of surprises and weird feelings. As I write this I am not sure if sad. I am not sure how to feel. I just know that I don’t feel great. I will probably eventually work on my literature review but for now I am just going to take a moment and just sit here and think about my brother and my nieces. I will sit here and wonder what they looked like, wonder about their smiles, how their voices sounded, particularly how they laughed and if they would have loved me as much as I love them.